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Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged as the hardest of losses to bear. But I can tell you now five years on what I already knew from the research. That you can rise up from adversity. That there are strategies that work. That it is utterly possible to make yourself think and act in certain ways that help you navigate tough times. There is a monumental body of research on how to do this stuff. Today I'm just gonna share with you three strategies. These are my go-to strategies that I relied upon and saved me in my darkest days. There are three strategies that underpin all of my work and they're pretty readily available to us all. Anyone can learn them, you can learn them right here today. So number one: resilient people get that shit happens. They know that suffering is part of life. This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in. They're not actually delusional. Just that when the tough times come, they seem to know that suffering is part of every human existence. And knowing this stops you from feeling discriminated against when the tough times come. Never once did I find myself thinking why me? In fact, I remember thinking why not me? Terrible things happen to you just like they do everybody else. That's your life now. Time to sink or swim. The real tragedy is that not enough of us seem to know this any longer. We seem to live in an age where we're entitled to a perfect life where shiny happy photos on Instagram are the norm when actually as you all demonstrated at the start of my talk, the very opposite is true.

Let's follow Lucy Hone...

Parental bereavement is widely acknowledged as the hardest of losses / to bear. // But I can tell you now / five years on / what I already knew from the research. // That you can rise up / from adversity. // That there are strategies that work. // That it is utterly possible / to make yourself / think and act in certain ways / that help you navigate / tough times. // There is a monumental / body of research on how to do this stuff. // Today I'm just gonna share with you / three strategies. // These / are my go-to strategies that I relied upon / and saved me in my darkest days. // There are three strategies that underpin all of my work / and they're pretty readily available to us all. // Anyone can learn them, / you can learn them / right here today. // So number one: / resilient people get / that shit happens. // They know / that suffering is part of life. // This doesn't mean they actually welcome it in. // They're not actually delusional. // Just that when the tough times come, / they seem to know / that suffering is part of every human existence. // And knowing this / stops you from feeling discriminated against / when the tough times come. // Never once did I find myself thinking / why me? // In fact, / I remember thinking / why not me? // Terrible things happen to you just like they do / everybody else. // That's your life now. // Time to sink / or swim. // The real tragedy / is that / not enough of us seem to know this any longer. // We seem to live in an age where we're entitled to a perfect life where shiny happy photos on Instagram are the norm / when actually / as you all demonstrated / at the start of my talk, / the very opposite / is true. //

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Number two: resilient people are really good at choosing carefully where they select their attention. They have a habit of realistically appraising situations and typically managing to focus on the things that they can change and somehow accept the things that they can't. This is a vital, learnable skill for resilience. As humans, we are really good at noticing threats and weaknesses. We are hard-wired for that negative - we really, really good at noticing them. Negative emotions stick to us like velcro, whereas positive emotions and experiences seem to bounce off like teflon. Being wired in this way is actually really good for us and served us well from an evolutionary perspective. So imagine for a moment I'm a cave woman and I'm coming out of my cave in the morning and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side and a beautiful rainbow on the other. It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger. The problem is we now live in an era where we are constantly bombarded by threats all day long. And our poor brains treat every single one of those threats as though they were a tiger. Our threat focus, our stress response is permanently dialed up. Resilient people don't diminish the negative - but they also have worked out a way of tuning into the good.

Let's follow Lucy Hone...

Number two: / resilient people / are really good at choosing carefully / where they select / their attention. // They have a habit of realistically appraising situations / and typically managing to focus / on the things that they can change / and somehow / accept the things / that they can't. // This is a vital, / learnable / skill / for / resilience. // As humans, / we are really good / at noticing / threats and weaknesses. // We are hard-wired / for that negative / - we really, really good / at noticing them. // Negative emotions / stick to us / like velcro, / whereas positive emotions and experiences seem to bounce off like teflon. // Being wired in this way / is actually really good for us / and served us well from an evolutionary perspective. // So imagine for a moment I'm a cave woman and I'm / coming out of my cave in the morning and there's a saber-toothed tiger on one side / and a beautiful rainbow on the other. // It kind of pays for my survival for me to notice this tiger. // The problem is / we now live in an era / where we are constantly / bombarded by threats / all day long. // And our poor brains / treat every single one of those threats / as though / they were a tiger. // Our threat focus, / our stress response / is permanently / dialed up. // Resilient people / don't diminish the negative / - but they also have worked out a way / of tuning / into the good. //